Saturday, December 28, 2013

OCD: Tales from the depths.

Living with OCD is of course a challenge and I firstly want to say that not all people with OCD are annoying assholes, so I apologize in advance for Howie Mandel and his entire career.

That being said; being bald, afraid of handshakes and Jewish are things all people with OCD do have to learn to live with.

I first caught OCD in grade school while walking alongside a chain link fence in the dead of winter. We had been warned by teachers and subtle Sesame Street segments that mental illness could strike at any moment and one fateful night, it would consume me and change my life forever. When it first got ahold of me, I thought I was snagged on a tree branch or something but this was no ordinary tree snagging, it was OCD and once it had me, I was powerless to defend myself. Struggling as it dragged me into oblivion, I could feel the world around me become colder and more full of confusion and fear. Many who describe contracting OCD describe a similar feeling of coldness and pure terror. The OCD monsters appeared before me and offered me a chance to sell my soul to be rid of them forever. The three large, colourful furry monsters crept ever closer, holding the contract and what appeared to be my missing pen from third period math class. The lead monster had bright pink fur and lumbered towards me in a calm manor befitting a much less threatening situation. Lucky for me I had been trained in the art of Tae Kwon Do, the ancient Korean martial art that came with a lunch buffet. I steadied myself in a combat position ready to strike...

Before anything else could happen, the monsters were gone and my math teacher was asking why I was standing in a combat pose in the middle of the class. I explained to he about the monsters and was sent to the school nurse, since we didn't have the luxury of having a school psychotherapist which would have been much more helpful. After a few questions, the nurse decided I had hit my head and send me off with a bandaid on my forehead before I could explain that OCD is a real mental disorder.

Over the years, I have been working to make sure everything I do is up to standard to subside the monsters so they don't come back and kill me. Simple things like performing rituals can deter the monsters from killing you. It is hard to explain to people who do not have the condition, so people often are confused why people with OCD tap things and do other compulsive acts. Much like Jehovahs witnesses and alien autopsy victims, people with OCD are afraid to come forward about the OCD monsters lest they appear to be crazy or possessed. Most operate under the guise that they have a common medical condition that was developed in their early years, but few beyond those who have it truly know the terror that the OCD monsters invoke.

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Friday, December 20, 2013

Dumb enough to be rich in this society?

Back in the day, people worked hard and the best of the best rose to the top of the corporate world and became wealthy. The Rockefellers, J. Paul Getty the oil man, the man who invested the slinky, all worked hard for their millions.

Nowadays, we have billionaires like Mark Zuckerberg (the guy who made Facebook), those guys who made and sold Youtube for $1.65 Billion, the Twitter guys and who the fuck knows whatever other stupid new website will make billions in the next few years. The point is, J. Paul Getty, the richest man in the 50's, worked building an oil company with his bare hands, doing manual labor and risking his life to create the wealth he accumulated. These internet billionaires of today sit at home on their recliner and think up an idea and put it online and boom, millions. If you don't believe me, look at the internets newest millionaire Jacob Blackstock who invested Bitstrips, a popular internet 'thing' where people can post cartoons that kind of look like them, in different situations. $$ Millions...

After the massive success of Facebook, Twitter came out, a place where people who like to post things online can do so but with more restrictions on the # of words they can put, Billion dollar idea!

Plus, now Youtube 'celebs' are making millions just for babbling into a camera for a couple minutes a week, heres a guy who made over $4 million dollars with his babblings: . Where's your college degree bro?

Seems like this new society by far values stupidity over intelligence and hard work. The Jersey Shore cast are another perfect example, none of them are educated, none of them work at anything except getting drunk and losing more brain cells and boom all millionaires! This culture is making it clear that what the next generation should do; skip school altogether, go online and make some stupid website idea to make billions, if that doesn't work out they could always spend all their time on Youtube becoming the next obnoxious millionaire youtube star. Seems like a solid future for my future kids.

I wonder if it bothers current law and med school students that they will never make as much as Snooki did from being a drunk, undedicated public figure. I guess she earned it though; I know I wouldn't have lasted in a house full of drunk roided Italians for more than 3 seasons.

We can only hope that our kids will have the proper skill set to thrive in the future, until then I'm off to count the money thats been pouring in from my newest social media platform 'ittr' its like Twitter but you can only have 37 characters and only 3 vowels per 'itt'. Good luck out there!

Catch the new BigBrotherVladamir episodes coming soon to Youtube!


Saturday, December 14, 2013

Peanut Butter.

There has been a lot of discussion on crunchy, smooth, organic peanut butters over the years. It is not a matter of what you like better or if you're allergic to peanut butter, its a simple matter of what is the best. 

I recently bought some $1 peanut butter from the dollar store, both crunchy and smooth. I was very disappointed. Not only was the peanut butter not up to standard, but it was at least 1/3 of the size of a regular peanut butter. It wasn't until I got home and put on my glasses that I realized I wouldn't be able to make more than 2 sandwiches with the peanut butter, AND DONT GET ME STARTED ON THE CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER!! Basically discarded peanut fragments from some better peanut butter company. 

The point is, when deciding which peanut butter to spend your hard earned dollar on, the choice is clear: [Your ad here] Peanut butter is #1 ! 

Me with the dollar store peanut butter. What is this a peanut butter for ANTS?!

Saturday, December 7, 2013

L.A. without cocaine. A life with no snow.

As my more devout followers already know, I have been living in L.A. for the past month to escape the tundra and yetis of Canada for until they kick me out of the country. After smuggling my 4 duffle bags of maple syrup and making a cool profit,  I quickly became bored of L.A. Unlike most celebrities here, I do not snort cocaine which makes me an outcast here. Despite the health benefits of the drug, I decided it best to stick to more controlled substances like alcohol and Elmers school glue.

As the parties winded on,  I tried to hide my sobriety from the others by cleverly using a pair of sunglasses to hide my un-dialated eyes; a trick I just made up and am sure will catch on very soon. 

Another difference between here and Canada is that the people are a lot more 'Rapey', for example: Someone who usually gets raped once or twice a year in Canada could expect to get raped 3-4 times in Los Angeles in the same year, this is largely due to the high number of ugly sex deprived men and low number of available pepper spray canisters. I myself had a few brushes with rapists, so just to be safe, I always sport my "I Have AIDS" t-shirt to ward off any would be rapists. The shirt has already paid for itself! 

I'm out of words to say so here are some self-explanatory pictures from my trip: